She's So Mean
by kkbeatlesfan
Summary: Based upon the song of the same title by Matchbox Twenty. Michael thinks that he is in for a lovely night of clubbing in the city with Jan and Ryan, when he finds out that Jan hasn't been faithful to him. Set somewhere around season four. Oneshot.


**Author's Note: I just wanted to write this little piece for fun, since I'm obsessed with The Office now. Anyway, this story is loosely based upon the song "She's So Mean" by Matchbox Twenty, and is set around season 4-ish, but I'm not really sure. Enjoy!**

**Michael: **(_seated at his desk in his office) _So… tonight is a pretty big night. You see, I'm driving from Scranton to New York to see my gorgeous girlfriend… (_pauses for dramatic effect) _Jennifer Aniston! Oh, yeah, just kidding. I wish. No, I'm going to see Jan. My beautiful **real** girlfriend. Anyway, we're going clubbing… with Ryan. And I'm leaving work a little early today and leaving Dwight in charge.

**Dwight: **_(in interview) _I never go to clubs. Especially in large cities. (_Cringes) _Syphilis is running rampant there… more common than a cold. Luckily for me, I know quite the herbal remedy for STDs to give to Michael when he comes back.

**CUT TO OFFICE THEME**

_(Michael approaches Pam, who is seated at her desk.)_

**Michael: **Well, I guess I'm going to take off.

**Pam: **Okay, Michael. Have a nice time down there.

**Michael: **That's what she said. (_Laughs)_

_(Pam looks over at Jim, looking annoyed.)_

**Pam: **(_in interview) _Am I glad that Michael is gone?

_(Dwight knocks loudly on the window behind her)_

**Dwight: **Back to work, Beasly!

**Pam: **Oddly enough, no.

**Jim: **_(in interview) _Who goes clubbing on a Tuesday night? Michael Scott. Well, he should be greeted by some nice single mom strippers who figured they'd pick up an extra shift during their kid's soccer practice.

**BACK IN THE OFFICE**

**Andy: **Who wants to make a bet with me?

**Dwight: **No wagering, just working.

**Dwight: **_(in interview) _I'm not for gambling. One time I placed a bet on a goat race at the county fair, 1986. It was my own goat. I lost. Good news, though: the Schrute family got fresh meat for a week.

**Andy: **(_in interview, runs his fingers through his hair in frustration) _Look, I don't know why Dwight is so against gambling. What? Did he see that _Casino _movie with DeNiro, when everyone gets… whacked off, or whatever? Let me tell you something: the Nard Dog is going to win a schnizz-load of cash on this bet.

**Pam: **_(back in the office) _What are we betting on, Andy?

**Andy: **I am going to bet that by the time that Michael comes back to Scranton tomorrow, he'll be single again, licking his wounds. I think Jan is dumping him tonight.

**Pam: **_(shaking her head in disbelief) _No, come on! You're betting on Michael's love life?

**Andy: **Uh… yeah?

**Pam: **Let me get my purse.

**Andy: **Yeah! That's the spirit, Pam!

**Pam: **_(throwing ten dollars on the table) _I'm in. I'll have faith in their romance.

**Pam: **_(in interview) _I don't want to be labeled a cynic. I love romance movies with a happy ending… especially _The Notebook. _Except that Michael is no Ryan Gosling. _(thinking)_ Not even plastic surgery could fix that.

**Andy: **(_waving money in the air) _So… does anyone else want to place a bet?

_(Angela stands from her desk and walks over, looking upset.)_

**Angela: **It's not right to bet on office romances! You wouldn't want someone betting on us, would you?!

**Andy: **Of course not! I, uh… like you, Angela.

**Angela: **We've been dating for six months and you can't even tell me that you love me?!

**Andy: **(_in interview) _I would like to say that I love Angela, but our relationship hasn't gone… anywhere. I kissed her on the cheek last week and she shoved me off the couch! It's really difficult.

**COMMERICAL BREAK RETURNS WITH RYAN, JAN, AND MICHAEL WALKING ON THE STREETS OF NEW YORK CITY.**

**Ryan: **_(to the camera) _So this nightclub is called "Filth". Okay? Don't look the bouncers in the eye and don't harass the drag queens.

**Jan: **Don't harass the-what? Drag queens?

**Ryan: **Yeah! Come on! (_Grabs Jan by the sleeve and rushes to the front of the line, leaving Michael behind.)_

**Michael: **Jan! Ryan! Where are you going? _(steps on tiptoes to peek over the crowd) _Are you kidding me?!

_(Jan and Ryan gain entry to the nightclub and head inside, as Michael and the camera crew slowly make their way through the line.)_

**Michael: **(_straightening suit jacket) _Okay, can I go in yet?

**Bouncer: **No, you can't go in.

**Michael: **Come on! My girlfriend made it in there! You let half of my camera crew in there!

**Bouncer: **Wait, which one was your girlfriend?

**Michael: **The blond… Jan… she was with the short guy?

**Bouncer: **Are you kidding me? That's your girlfriend?

**Michael: **What? _(sounding annoyed) _You don't think I can snag a stone-cold fox like Jan?

**Bouncer: **I see her here almost every night with him! They get real drunk and crazy… I almost had to escort them out last week.

**Michael: **Look, I think you've got the wrong…

**Bouncer: **No, no. She's with that Ryan guy, right?

**Michael: **Yeah… she was… just now.

(_Michael looks sadly into the camera, his hands jammed in his pockets.)_

**Bouncer: **Yep, she's here almost every night, getting hammered with Ryan…

**Michael: **Could you just let me in?

**Bouncer: **(_steps aside) _Yeah, you can go in I guess. You could use a stiff drink.

_(Michael steps into the smoky nightclub, bright rainbow strobe lights flash as the loud music pounds the floorboards beneath him. Couples are seen everywhere around the room, kissing on red leather couches. One of the cameramen zooms in on one couple, and Jan is seen sitting on Ryan's lap, kissing his collarbone seductively.)_

**Michael: **Jan! What the…

_(Jan immediately stands up from Ryan's lap and pulls down her skirt.)_

**Jan: **Michael… this isn't…

**Michael: **Oh, I _know _what this is, Jan! You've been cheating on me! With this… this… elf!

**Ryan: **Elf?!

**Michael: **Yes! ELF!

**Jan: **Michael, don't do this! Don't blame Ryan!

**Michael: **How could I not? I was his _friend!_

**Ryan: **We were never friends!

**Michael: **Jan, this is it! I want all my stuff out of your apartment!

**Jan: **Fine! Fine! (_throws arms up) _I don't want anything from you!

**Michael: **_(in interview) _Well, it's over for me and Jan. Which I guess is okay, because she cheated on me. With a guy that looks like a Seth Meyers impersonator.

**COMMERCIAL BREAK RETURNS AT JAN'S APARTMENT**

_(Michael and Jan step into her apartment that is littered with clothes on the floor, and Michael sees the Cds he had given her out of their cases, laying on the rug.)_

**Michael: **My God, Jan! This is horrible!

**Jan: **Well, Ryan is quite a passionate lover. We don't have time to clean up.

**Michael: **(_coughs and gags loudly) _Oh God!

**Jan: **Michael, please. Don't judge. Just collect your things and get out.

**Michael: **Jan? How could you be so cold to me? I loved you… I wanted your children to be _mine._

**Jan: **Michael…

**Michael: **I don't want to ever see…

**Jan: **Michael…

**Michael: **You and Ryan kissing around Scranton, because I've had enough!

**Jan: **MICHAEL!

**Michael: **What, what, Jan? Are you going to tell me that this is all okay? It's okay that you live in a garbage dump and cheated on me with my best friend?

**Jan: **Ryan is not your friend. He hates you. I'm sorry, I don't want to be cold and I don't want to be cruel, but I've got to find someone other than you.

_(Michael hangs his head in sadness and rubs his eyes.)_

**Michael: **I'm sorr…

**Jan: **Please, grab your stuff and go.

_(Michael silently grabs his Cds off of the carpet, along with a pair of his slacks and a dress shirt before walking out the door to his car. Ryan and Michael brush elbows as they make their way through the door of the apartment complex, make eye contact for a second, then Ryan heads up to Jan's apartment. Michael sits in his car for a moment with tears rolling down his face.)_

**Michael: **I've never had anything like this happen before. Well, I guess there was Molly Jameson at my senior prom… but she was a total bitch.

_(Michael heads back to Scranton when he finds a CD of Jan's musician friend Hunter, and he tosses it out the window like a Frisbee.)_

**COMMERCIAL BREAK RETURNS THE NEXT DAY AT DUNDER MIFFLIN SCRANTON.**

**Pam: **Guys! Michael's coming!

**Andy: **Does he look upset?

_(Michael enters the office to complete silence, and everyone stops and stares.)_

**Pam: **Good morning, Michael…

**Michael: **Pam, it's everything _but_ a good morning.

_(No one in the office moves or says another word as Michael slumps to his office and slams the door behind him.)_

**Andy: **_(cheering) _Haha! Everyone got stumped by the 'Nard Dog! Thirty dollars, all to me!

**Pam: **_(in interview) _Was I surprised that Michael and Jan broke up? Not overly much. But I was pretty bummed that I lost my ten dollars. Oh well. I guess Jim can buy lunch today.

**Andy: **(_in interview) _Woo hoo! The 'Nard Dog did it again! _(throws handfuls of money into the air) _I'm rich!

**Dwight: **(_in interview) _So what? Andy got lucky and won some money off of Michael's troubles. All that I have to say is that Andy better not spend too much time partying in the city, because I'm definitely not treating his STDs.

**END CREDITS.**

**Please review! It would be very much appreciated! ****J**


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